Mind Your F's and R's
Encouraging Personal Character in Your Young Adult
This is the 3rd blog in response to a recent survey with Christian parents of young adults on their top challenges.
The first in this series was on the #1 source of discord.
The second was on the #1 area of concern.
This week we will look at 2nd highest area of concern, development of personal character, which was only 2 votes behind the top area of concern.
Not So Helpful vs. Helpful Approaches
There are times we see behaviors in our young adult that cause concern, and we wonder what we can do to fix those behaviors.
In this post we will consider three approaches that are not helpful (the 3 Fs), and then three approaches that are (the 3 Rs).
The Three F’s
When I began the certification process to become a life and leadership coach, one of the first books on our assigned reading list was Christian Coaching by Gary Collins. Collins refers to a study by heart doctor Alan Deutschman who concluded that there are 3 approaches to change that are often used but rarely work:
· Facts
· Fear
· Force
Each may bring immediate effects, but permanent change rarely comes.
When we think about personal character in our young adults, there is a good chance that we have tried these tactics in some form.
1. Facts
In the book, RARE Leadership, Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder encourage readers to consider different “equations” for transformation. Western thinking (including the Western church) tends to focus on this equation:
Knowledge + Good Choices = Transformation
We emphasize getting the right information to people, believing information alone will be sufficient for them to make better choices and experience transformation.
Accurate information and knowledge are vital. In 2 Timothy we are encouraged to “study to show ourselves approved.”
The point here is that information alone does not necessarily lead to good choices and/or transformation. Knowledge without character can even have adverse effects such as pride or manipulation.
2. Fear
Fear has its place. A fear of great pain or death prompts me to look both ways before I pull out into traffic. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. But fear as a tactic to produce long-term change comes up short. We may be able to get compliance, but not necessarily character or change of heart.
I remember when one of our sons started smoking. When his younger sister found out she began printing pictures of diseased lungs and placing them on his pillow. He was neither amused nor motivated to change. He did eventually give it up, but it took a deeper motivation than fear.
3. Force
This son also struggled with discipline issues at school. Being a teacher myself, I was mortified. I remember saying emphatically, “You will be respectful to your teachers.” It didn’t work. I basically initiated a power struggle I couldn’t win. And is winning even a noble goal as a parent?
You’ve may have also said something along the same lines such as, “You will be nice to your brother,” which may produce the desired effect when you’re around, but not so much when you’re not. The outward appearance of character can be a mere charade. It might make our lives more comfortable in the present, but whatever is bubbling beneath will eventually surface.
The 3 R’s
If facts, fear, and force aren’t effective for transformative change, what is? According to Deutschman it’s the Three Rs:
· Relationship
· Repetition
· Reframing
1. Relationship
We get this. It’s why we worry about the friendships our children form because we understand the impact peers can have on choices.
To make matters more difficult, during the young adult years their relationship with us changes and it often feels like our children value anyone’s opinions and guidance over ours.
So, what do we do? We remain relational. This doesn’t mean we stop parenting and just become their friend. It means we keep the relationship bigger than the problem. We handle problems in a way that values the person and the relationship.
We are slow to anger.
We listen.
We provide our kiddos with good information and try to help them understand possible consequences of their choices, but we do this in a relational way rather than lectures (which don’t work anyway).
We prioritize our relationship with the Father, trusting Him to give us wisdom and the ability to nurture a relational connection even in this season of growing autonomy in our young adults.
We bring our anxieties to the Lord and allow Him to transform us so that we can be parents with whom our children can be honest without activating a volcano of anger or an avalanche of fears.
We pray that our young adult will understand how much their Heavenly Father loves them.
We communicate how much we love them – even when they disobey or reject our values.
We also lean into relationship with the body of Christ. Just as our teen needs safe relationships, we need safe trusting relationships with followers of Christ who will pray for us and with us, who remind us of who God is, His love for us, and His love for our children.
2. Repetition
I need to be clear here, nagging is not the kind of repetition we are referring to. “I’ve told you a thousand times. Do I have to tell you again?” isn’t what we are going for.
Consistency Compounds
In Philippians 3:1 Paul tells his brothers and sisters in Christ,
“To keep writing to you [over and over] of the same things is not irksome to me, and it is [a precaution] for your safety.” Philippians 3:1 (AMPC)
When we look at the consistent overarching theme of Paul’s writings in the New Testament, we see the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He consistently reminds the church of how much God loves them and what He did to so that they could live in relationship with Him. He reminds them of grace and their new identity as beloved in Christ.
You may be thinking, my child is tired of hearing me talk about Jesus and that just shuts them down. That’s valid. It is possible we need to do more listening and less talking.
When our young adults repeatedly feel seen, heard, and valued by us, they are more likely to be open to our words. We have influence in relationship.
In the young adult season, we are careful to speak in relational ways that respect their growing autonomy. We don’t force conversations.
We consider:
What are the words my young adult hears most often from me?
What are the consistent patterns they experience with me, not only in words, but my tone, body language, and facial expressions?
How often do I make eye contact and smile at my child when they enter a room or get in the car?
What if I intentionally affirmed their strengths more than I pointed out weaknesses?
Which leads us to the last R in our trio:
3. Reframe
“Reframing” is a strategy that helps someone look at a situation through a different, usually more positive perspective.
I love the way Connected Families helps us reframe our child’s misbehaviors.
“When kids want something, they tap into their strengths to get what they want, not their weaknesses. Misbehavior can therefore hold clues to reveal your child’s strengths…
It might sound counterintuitive. However, instead of simply focusing on what’s wrong (or the sin), it’s helpful to recognize the strengths and gifts your child is using in the moment.
When parents aim to notice and affirm the strengths that contribute to misbehavior, it can transform discipline. Instead of a frustrating effort to manage behavior, it becomes a treasure hunt to identify, affirm, and reposition your child’s God-given strengths.”
Have you ever considered your young adult’s irritating, frustrating, or concerning behaviors to be a treasure hunt?
In addition to their strengths, these behaviors can also be clues as to the longings of their hearts. Their fears. What (or who) are they looking to for their sense of value and worth.
A Well-Timed Question
We can help our young adults reframe difficult situations by asking questions such as:
How do you think your friend sees this?
I know this feels really hard. I’m wondering, how might this be an opportunity?
You highly value loyalty. How is that impacting your responses?
How could you approach this differently?
A word of caution: In Proverbs we read,
A person finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word! Proverbs 15:23 NIV
We could also say how good is a timely question. A badly timed question however …
We want to make sure our kiddo is in a good head space to receive our questions.
A New Equation
Let’s go back to RARE Leadership by Warner and Wilder. They offer a different transformation equation rather than knowledge + good choices:
Identity + Belonging = Transformation
My identity as a Christ follower and beloved child of God shapes my character.
I belong to Him and cannot be taken from His hand (John 10:28-29) or separated from His love (Romans 8:38-39).
I am no longer condemned or defined by my sin or weaknesses (Psalm 103:12, Romans 8:1).
His Spirit lives in me and continues the work of transformation (2 Corinthians 3:18).
I also belong to a family of faith that has shaped and supported me in important ways.
How does this equation impact our parenting?
We remember that our identity is in Christ, not in our children or in their choices.
We ask:
*How can I be more intentional to foster a healthy, Christ-centered identity in my young adult in ways they are open to receiving at this time?
*How do I communicate to my young adult that they are always loved by God, and they are always loved by me, no matter their choices?
*How can I identify and affirm my young adult’s strengths?
We pray; confident my Heavenly Father hears our prayers.
Beloved Father,
We are humbled and awed by your desire to live in relationship with us. Your mercies are new morning after morning after morning. What the enemy intends for evil, you use for good.
Give us the wisdom and discernment we need as parents. We trust you to meet all our needs according to Your glorious riches in Christ Jesus. We entrust our children into your hands.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
Recommended Resources:
Connected Families: 12 Misbehaviors and the Possible Strengths
Connected Families: Don’t Settle for Fake Respect
Hell Begins with a Grumbling Mood: This may seem like an odd, recommended resource, but there are some great principles for us to consider. How often do I grumble in general? How often do I grumble about my young adult? What could I do instead?