STOP and FACE
A Practical Tool for the Heat of the Moment
This is Part 3 of Regulate & Recover.
In Part 1, we explored the turning point that begins within us. In Part 2, we looked at the spiritual “wardrobe” that helps us stay grounded in Christ. Today, we’ll bring it all together with a practical tool you can use in the heat of the moment.
When emotions rise, clarity falls — unless we have a way to pause and reconnect.
Being able to calm yourself is a crucial skill. It allows you to think clearly, make wise decisions, and reduce the negative impact of stress hormones. A calm mind helps us regulate and recover from distressing emotions. It also enables us to hear the Holy Spirit and lean into His wisdom.
In his book Stress Less, Charles Stone offers the acronym STOP. I’ve adapted it slightly for our purposes.
STOP: A Four‑Step Reset
S — Stop, Step, and Soften
T — Take a Breath
O — Objectively Observe
P — Prayerfully Proceed
Stop, Step, and Soften
When anger surges, our first action often needs to be inaction.
Stop — even mid‑sentence.
Step back or lean back.
Soften your posture.
This communicates to your body, your brain, and your young adult:
I am not in attack mode.
Remember - our young adults are not opponents to overcome, but image-bearers entrusted to us for discipleship.
Take a Deep Breath
Deep breathing calms the parasympathetic nervous system and helps us reengage relationally – both with our young adult and the Holy Spirit.
And when your child sees you breathe, their mirror neurons may follow.
Objectively Observe
Put on your detective hat and engage curiosity.
Ask yourself:
What are the facts?
What am I assuming?
What emotions are driving my tone, words, and actions?
What is my child experiencing?
Curiosity is a spiritual discipline.
Prayerfully Proceed
As we prayerfully proceed, we do an “about FACE.”
FACE: Reentering the Conversation with Love
F — Forgive
A — Appreciate
C — Clothe Yourself with Love
E — Express Love
Forgive
In Part 2 of this series, we looked at Colossians 3:12-15 and considered our wardrobe.
In that passage we are told to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (3:13)
We need to forgive any grievance we have against our young adult.
When we reenter a conversation with unforgiveness, we leave the door open for anger to rule our responses. Forgiveness makes space for the peace of Christ to steady our hearts (3:15).
Forgiving does not mean we minimize or excuse a wrong done. Not addressing something that needs to be addressed is not kind. Forgiving helps us reconnect our Relational Circuits.
At this point it may not be wise to announce that we have forgiven our young adult. They may view us as the problem (and sometimes they are right). As a matter of fact, we may need to ask for their forgiveness.
I’m sorry I let my anger (frustration, fear…) take over. I’d like to try again.
When we forgive, we can speak in a way that aligns with our identity in Christ.
Appreciate
“And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)
When we are upset, we tend to lose sight of what we love and like about someone. Even in hard moments, appreciation is possible:
We are both broken and loved. Thank you, Father, that your grace is enough for both of us.
Help me view this as an opportunity to disciple and shepherd my child and to model healthy conflict resolution – a much needed life skill.
I am not alone. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for being with me in this moment.
Clothe Yourself with Love
We may not feel very loving in the moment but remembering how deeply we love our child helps those relational circuits come back online. Sometimes it helps to picture our emerging adult as the little one they once were. Recall a tender moment. And don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed to try to find it — choosing a “tender anchor” ahead of time gives your heart something steady to return to, bringing you back to love when you need it most.
Let love soften your face, your tone, your posture.
Express Love
In hard moments, it is important to express and confirm our love for our young adults.
I need you to know that even when I am upset, I love you. That will never change. I am confident we can move forward in a more honoring way and that will start with me.
You may need to STOP and FACE several times in one conversation.
You may need to step away and return later.
That’s not failure — that’s wisdom.
The journey from reaction to response isn’t easy, but it is possible. And it is worth it.
Reflection Questions
Which part of STOP is hardest for me to practice?
What helps me reconnect with love when I feel overwhelmed?
How might the Holy Spirit be inviting me to slow down in moments of conflict?
A Call to Action
Choose one part of the STOP + FACE tool to practice this week. Not the whole thing — just one step that feels accessible. Notice any small shift it creates in you or in the moment. Celebrate that movement toward calm, connection, and Christ‑centered love, and let your growth build from there.
Thank you for joining me for this series.
If these reflections have encouraged you, consider sharing this post with another parent or ministry leader who might need a reminder that growth is possible — and that God meets us with mercy in every moment.